Crazy dreams.

I've been having some crazy dreams the last few nights. All pertaining to my coming up Dr's appt. I'm not sure why I've been dreaming this way, as I'm really trying not to think about it and keep it as the furthest thing on my mind. But it's driving me nuts, I wake up in a panic as each time it ends with the worst possible results. I mean deep down I know that my results could come back horrible and I could have something really bad. But I have faith that it's not going to turn out that way.

So why am I dreaming of the worse? Is it my minds way of preparing me? Or maybe making me think the worse so that when they come back fine I will be even more relieved?

Last nights dream was the worst. It was all about me getting the test results and the Dr that made the report actually said "I don't know why she's so upset, she did this to herself" and "She should have seen us sooner, now she's a lost cause". I mean I KNOW that something like that would not be written in an ultrasound or lab report. So I'm guessing it's my subconscious telling me that's how I feel about it. That I do feel like it's my fault if something is wrong, that I should have questioned them more. Made more appt's instead of brushing off my symptoms. Thinking that I was just destined to have pain all the time, it comes with the territory of being a woman. I mean for pete's sake I've seen 4 different gyno's, 2 family physicians, a surgeon, and had surgery twice. Not to mention the hundreds of labs and 30 or so ultrasounds that have been done. What more could I do? Most would say I've gone the extreme, or I'm overreacting.

But luckily I've found a new Dr who told ME my symptoms, and didn't look at me like I was crazy. Cause he knew there was something wrong that had been overlooked. It felt great to go in someplace and feel like I was really being listened to, not just looked at as another woman who's whining.

1 week to go until my appt. I would call and beg to be seen sooner, but my Dr is on vacation this week. And I really want to see him again. So I must wait.......