♥ Family Day ♥

As you know my road from wife to mommy was long, with many disappointments along the way. Even though I love them to pieces now I was very sad to hear about the arrival of my niece and nephew, as I’m sure anyone who has traveled the road of IF will understand.

I started my 1st cycle of clomid in October 2009, which obviously was a failed cycle for me. But that was the month my step sister got pregnant.

My second cycle was November 2009, which again was another failed cycle, but not for my step brother and SIL. Which was a complete shock as their son was 20 years old. I felt like god was playing a cruel joke on me.

I jokingly told my friends that they stole my babies. I had a hard time being around them as I was so upset I wasn’t pregnant. I mean I was the one having blood tests every few days and paying for fertility drugs, yet I was the only one not pregnant.

My only hope/wish/dream was to be pregnant before they were born.

Towards the end of their pregnancy I listened to them complain about being uncomfortable and how they couldn’t wait to not be pregnant any more and all I did was long to be pregnant. Sometimes I really wanted to yell that at them.

Then July came around and my nephew was born...and I still wasn’t pregnant.

That month I started injections.

August came about and my SIL was having contractions all weekend, and I started spotting. I was devastated and didn’t know how I was going to see my niece. The thought of seeing her was actually making me sick to my stomach because I was so upset at another failed cycle, a failed cycle that we had spent so much money and time in doctors offices on.

As you know the spotting stopped and I did take a pregnancy test that ended up being positive on August 19th. So when my niece was born on August 28th I was so excited to go see her.

Looking back I feel bad for feeling that way towards them, but at least I never told them I felt that way. I did a good job at hiding my feelings because I knew it wasn’t their fault we were having problems. But it wasn’t my fault I felt that way either. That’s the life of an IF sufferer.

But now I have this beautiful niece and nephew that my little man gets to grow up with. And I may be a little biased but my little man is definitely the cutest and totally worth the wait, lol. The whole point of this story was because we spent the day with them yesterday, and he got to meet his great grandma. We had planned on going to out my dads for a cookout, but it’s been raining for days so we had to stay inside. But fun was still had.

Rik is 21, Avery is just a few days shy of 11 months, Grace was 9 months yesterday and John will be 5 weeks tomorrow. I can’t wait till they can all run around and play together. Well I don’t know if Rik will be running around playing with them, but I’m sure Grace will be expecting big brother to protect her from the other two. Although with her little attitude she can probably handle them herself.

Meeting great grandmaJohn is a tall little dude so I said that he was almost as tall as Avery, so we were comparing sizes.Avery and Grace playing, Grace did not want to look at the cameraBut Avery was all about itFinally got her to look at me, but she wasn’t putting that toy downHaving fun with daddyDaddy sure is proud of his little dudeI took several shots of this picture and there isn’t one where every one is looking at the camera. But these are probably the best 3. If I was better at editing I would make it perfect.This is Rik holding Grace, Great grandma holding John, and my dad holding Avery.

Time to say Goodbye

Up until now I haven’t allowed myself to get to excited about being pregnant. Being in a due date club I have seen so many woman lose their babies over the last several weeks. And I knew that was always a possibility, and still is. So I’ve been some what guarded, haven’t bought many things and been holding on to my left over meds in case I needed them again.

But since I’ve reached 12 weeks and got to see our little Monkey again I’m feeling a bit more relaxed, so I’ve decided to sell my fertility meds. It doesn’t seem like it should be a hard decision, but they were so expensive and I’d hate to have to buy them again.

I think part of it is also just letting them go. Saying good bye to infertility that caused me to have to buy them in the first place. Finally accepting the fact that we are really having a baby, that I am actually pregnant. It just seems so unreal still. And I don’t think I will fully accept it until I’m actually holding monkey in my arms.

But for now I’m going to try and relax a bit, quit thinking the worst and enjoy being pregnant. It’s time to jump on the boat and leave the island of IF, hopefully never to visit it again.

You’ll be shocked.

Today starts this months ICLW and I don’t usually do an intro post for this, but I felt this month it was fitting. So welcome all you ICLW’ers I thought I’d tell you a little bit about my journey.

Mr.B and I met back in 1999. We’re very irresponsible and dated on and off for 4 years. During that time we had 2 miscarriages in 2000 and 2001. By the time 2003 rolled around we had grown up some and decided we did want to be together, and we have been ever since. In 2003 I began having awful periods and cramping throughout the whole month. So I underwent a diagnostic laparoscopy and had a ton of blood work done. They removed a cyst and said everything else looked fine.

A year later all of my symptoms returned so my family doctor refereed me to another OB/Gyn. He performed another laparoscopy and D&C. This time it showed I had a Steroid Cell tumor along with endometrial thickening and fibroids. But I didn’t know all of this and was told everything looked fine. They put my ovary back where it should be (it was stretched up and stuck under my pelvic brim) and removed a few cysts. But I was released back to my family doctor.

So from 2004-2007 (when we got married) we weren’t really trying to get pregnant, but we weren’t really preventing it either. But once we were married I was charting and keeping track of my cycles. In 2009 when we still weren’t pregnant I headed to a new OB/Gyn and started another round of full testing. He told me what the pathology report from my last surgery said and boy was I mad, and scared. Luckily all of the new testing showed that it hadn’t grown cancerous but he did diagnose me with Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, and reoccurring ovarian cysts with anovulation.

We were started on Clomid and did 7 cycles from October 2009 to July 2010 all with negative results. In May of 2010 I had an HSG done which showed a partially blocked right tube. So in June I was referred to my RE.

At my first appointment with the RE we went over all of my records. He was surprised when I said I had a steroid cell tumor and even made copies of it to discuss with his partners. I guess the type I have is very rare. he deemed my right side useless and said that I was to start injectables with left side stimulation only. Meaning if nothing happened with the left side we would stop that cycle and wait for the next.

I began taking 75IU of follistim on CD 3. On CD 8 I went in for an u/s and it showed 3 follies growing on the left, but they weren’t very big. So they upped my follistim to 125IU and I returned on CD 12. At this time I had 1 plump follie size 18, so they decided I should trigger that night.

Fast forward the 2ww (don’t you wish we could do that in real life?) and on Tuesday of this last week I began spotting. I was highly upset and crying. But then the spotting stopped that night around 10pm. Well because I started spotting I didn’t call for my blood work on Wednesday, as I didn’t see any point in it. Thursday morning I woke up and still hadn’t started full on yet, so I decided I had 1 test left and was going to take it. I’m so glad I did as it was positive! I called the doctors office first thing when I got to work and had my blood test ordered. I went in that afternoon and at 15dpo my HCG was 208!!!

I couldn’t believe it, after so many years of heartache and failed cycles we were finally pregnant. I have to say that even though my journey has been a long one I feel so blessed. So many woman go through multiple cycles of injections, through multiple IUI’s and even multiple IVF cycles before getting their miracle. I know it is such a hard road to walk on, but I am thankful for all of the support along the way. All of the woman who have prayed for us and thought about us. Thank you ALL so much!!! There is hope, and I will pray for all of the woman who I visit while traveling the ICLW list who are still waiting for their miracle.

So it begins.

I've been excited today thinking that our new phones were shipping and we'd get them tomorrow...then I realized they aren't coming till next Friday.

Bummer dude.

Just what I needed, another let down. I already had a big one on Tuesday when I started spotting. But I guess there is a bright side to it...I can get completely wasted this weekend. I mean who doesn't need a drink...or 10, when they realize they just flushed $400 (oh I forgot about the $378 worth of u/s)$778 down the toilet...literaly.

I'm just very thankful I was able to get another months worth of medications very cheap so that we can give it another go, other wise I'm not sure we would have been able to shell out another $400 this month and may have had to take a few months off.

So we push on...

One is good...right?

On Monday I had another appointment with the RE to check on the progress of my stimming. Once again she couldn't find my right ovary, but did find the left (which is the one that matters anyways). I had 1 follicle at 18.5.

1 lonely little follicle.

I was sad to see that out of the 2 I had growing only 1 continued to grow. Makes me wonder if I ever had any growing with the Clomid if I react this poorly to injections. But she said that it looked like a really nice plump follie so I was sent home with instructions to give myself the Ovidrel that night between 6pm and 8pm. I would ovulate 36 hours later...or today around 8am.

I asked about my LP only being 10 days so she decided to have me take some progesterone 2x a day starting on Thursday. I will take it until the witch shows or several months into pregnancy. As much as I'm not looking forward to taking inserting it twice a day I am really hoping to be taking it for several months.

Today I am feeling very bloated, full and crampy. I'm hoping that's a good sign that our 1 little follicle has jumped ship and is floating in the Tubular Sea of me, lol.

Commence the 2ww!

Quick update on my appointment.

Today I went for my follow up ultrasound and blood work. The u/s showed I had 2 follies size 7.5 and 9 and about 5 smaller ones she didn't measure. She was unable to find my right ovary and after looking for a while decided to stop. She said it didn't matter if there were any follies on it anyways since my tube was blocked on that side. We were just happy to see I did have 2 follies growing.

But of course they are still to small for me to do a trigger shot so I will continue with the Gonal-F shot until Sunday. We are upping my dose from 75IU to 125IU in hopes that the follies will grow large enough by my next u/s on Monday.

Also my Estradiol level was only 71 and it needs to be 150 to 200 to show mature follies. Which the level goes along with the size of my follies, so we figured it wouldn't come back high enough yet.

So now we will just continue the nightly shots of Gonal-F and hope that the follies continue to grow.

A HUGE weight has been lifted.

If you remember from this post we spent over $400 on our meds this month, and that was with 50% coverage. Being such a large sum of money I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to complete another month if it didn’t work this month. So we literally put all of our eggs in the basket. All of our hopes on this one month. Talk about feeling a little stressed.

Well last week I was on one of my forums I frequent for people who are TTC with medical assistance. Someone had posted that they had 2 Gonal-F 900IU pens (still sealed) that they would no longer need as she just became pregnant. Well my doctor wrote my script for 2 300IU pens so this amount was 3x as much as I had received for $400. So of course I messaged her to see if they were still available, and luckily they were!

And guess how much she wanted for them...$30 plus the cost to overnight it to me! That was her co-pay (must be nice to have fertility medication coverage) and that was all she wanted for it! So $45 later and I now have several months of medication if we need it. Unfortunately I had already ordered mine and it was to late to cancel it so we still spent the $400, but at least now we can do another month if need be.

I’m hoping that we won’t need to do another month and I can pass my remaining meds on to someone else, still sealed of course. Cause it was such a sigh of relief and I would love to pass that feeling on. When she emailed back and said she still had them I could literally feel the weight lifting off my shoulders and life coming back to our dream. Infertility is expensive and when you can find great deals you jump on it.

And did you know there is actually a site where you can buy fertility medications from other people? It’s freegaragesale.com under the medical section. For someone who doesn’t have any medication coverage it could be a great resource.

By the way...what do you think of the new layout? Love it...hate it...don’t care? Let me know what you think! Well it’s time for my nightly shot, it’s become much easier. Almost as normal as brushing your teeth before going to bed.

I’m a big baby.

Yesterday was my cycle day 3 ultrasound and everything looked good. So I was told to start the Follistim that evening. I was some what excited about moving on with this cycle, but very apprehensive about giving myself shots.

So last night about 9pm I went in the kitchen and gathered my supplies.

I’m using the Gonal-F pen that I ended up purchasing from a now pregnant woman who no longer needed it. But more on that later. I decided to do my first shot in my upper thigh. I figured it would be easier because I could completely see the area and it was like a target. Where as on my stomach I didn’t feel like I would have 100% control. So I dialed the pen to the correct dosing, sat down at the dining room table and used an alcohol swab to clean the area.

Then I froze.

I mean seriously...how was I going to give myself a shot?!?! I mean who wants to stab themselves with sharp objects for fun, well besides heroine users and people with mental health problems. Which thankfully I am neither.

By this time I had an audience. Mr.B was standing there watching me and telling me to hurry up and just do it or let him do it for me. Then his friend was standing there watching as well, because it was cool to see me give myself a shot I guess. For a moment I though about letting hubby do it, but he had this evil look to him. The look of “here babe...let me stab you with this needle, muahahaha” So I passed. At one point I tried to “feel” how sharp the needle was with my finger, but Mr.B told me to stop before I made contact. Why I was ok with poking my finger and not my leg I will never know. I mean it was stupid considering I would then have had 2 needle pokes. The things we do to procrastinate, lol.

I did finally ask him to get me an ice cube so I could numb the area. After numbing it 4-5 times, because I kept waiting to long and the area was no longer numb, I finally got the courage to stick the needle in...

...and it didn’t hurt at all!!!

Seriously, there was like .05 seconds of a pinch and that was it! I thought to myself “I was really this upset over this?”

I still don’t think I could ever be a heroine addict, as it still wasn’t something I’d do for “fun”. But none the less I think the next several days will go by much easier than I thought. Well until I have to shoot myself in the hip, that one I am not looking forward to. But in the end if we get our baby I will know it was all worth it.

A new journey begins.

So we bit the bullet...and now we are $400 broker.

I was scared to make the phone call...scared to put so much money on hope..scared that we will have wasted $400.

But I did it...I ordered my meds. 2 300IU vials of Follistim and 1 vial of Ovidrel, 8 days worth of medications for $412!

Personally I think it's robbery to charge that much for medications. I also think it's rediculous that infertility isn't recognized just as any other illness or disease. Yet insurance companies will pay for viagra, how does that seem right. Oh wait...it's not!

Today also marks CD 1. I have to call my RE and set up appointments for my day 3 and 8 ultrasounds. Luckily both days will fall on my days off so I won't have to take any time off work. This also means that on Friday I will have to start giving myself injections. Something I am NOT looking forward to. I think I'm already having a little anxiety about it and I'm not sure how I am going to stab myself in the stomach, I just don't see how it's going to happen. But...I guess if you want a baby bad enough you will stab yourself multiple times, lol.

Feeling down.

I finally received a phone call from my mail order pharmacy place and my prescriptions have been approved. I was excited until I heard how much they were going to cost. Now I’m just feeling down and hopeless.The Ovidrel isn’t to bad at $50, but the Follistim is $350!?!? I couldn’t believe it! I mean $350 for a few days of injections is high way robbery, lol. So now I have to figure out how we are going to pay for these, and I have less than a week to do it.

Any suggestions?

My only hope is our security deposit from our previous house shows up very soon. It was supposed to be received 30 days after move out. Well we returned the keys on June 11th, but our lease wasn’t up till June 15th, which is 1 month ago tomorrow. And we have not received it yet. I called them today but just got their answering machine, so I’m going to try calling again later this evening.

If I don’t receive it in time I will just have to take it out of our budget, money will be tight this month if Mr.B doesn’t curve his spending. And $400 is a lot to just throw out there on hope. I mean if it doesn’t work that’s another $400 next month. It just sucks that we have to go through all of this. We should be spending $400 on cribs and high chairs, or a nursery...not on meds. This.just.sucks.

A new plan.

I had my first appointment with the RE today. We went over my charts, lab work and previous surgeries. He was a little puzzled about what my pathology report stated from my second surgery, and I think was a tad surprise that nothing was done.

I brought a disc of images from my HSG and I’m glad I did. The report from the radiologist stated it was normal with spilling on both sides. But he said that he seen very little if any spilling on my right side, and there was no pooling of dye at the end like there was on my left. His impression: partially blocked right tube. Although you can see dye throughout the tube it was obviously running through it slower than the left.

The pathology report from my second laparoscopy and d&c done in 2004 pretty much stated that my right ovary is a tumor. He also believes it is covered in scar tissue from all of the cysts I have had on it. At that time my right ovary was distorted and pulled up into the pelvic brim along with the tube and adhered. Meaning Endometriosis had it stuck somewhere. He said this would explain why I have such painful ovulation pains. If I grow any follies on the right side they are “irritated” by the scar tissue.

So he has deemed my right side useless.

We also have a new plan of action, as obviously the Clomid isn’t working. So when I start my next cycle I am to call the office and have an ultrasound done before CD 3. Then from CD 3 to CD 8 I will give myself injections of FSH. This will help grow follicles. On CD 8 I will have another ultrasound and blood work. Depending on the ultrasound I will either continue the FSH injections or do an Ovidrel injection to induce ovulation. If it shows that I have no follies growing on the left side and only on the right then we will cancel this cycle and start again the next month.

Also Mr. B will have another SA done and depending on the results from that we will either do timed intercourse or have to do an IUI. The only option after that is IVF and we definitely can’t afford that right now. So we’re hoping for another normal result.

Since today is CD 19, and O day, I have about 2 weeks until my next cycle is due, unless we get pregnant this cycle and then it won’t show and we can forget all of this, lol.

So the 2 week wait begins.

I took a test today...

...a pregnancy test.

And it was negative, a big fat negative. I'm starting to believe I may never see a positive test. Month after month of disappointment sucks. I was really hopeful this month. I know so many people who get pregnant the cycle of or following their HSG. Not the case here. Shoot even my temps have been completely off, first it showed ovulation on day 18 then it changed it to day 23 because they had gotten so high.

So I guess I'll have to call my OB today and tell him that I'll take the referral for the RE. After 9 months of Clomid with no luck it's time to move on. In retrospect I suppose I should have moved on months ago. But I wasn't ready to spend the extra money or go through another complete work up. But if we want to have kids any time soon I suppose I better bite the bullet and start writing checks.

So if you see us out panhandling be sure to donate...RE's are expensive!

stream of consciousness

I saw a big red tractor drive by my house today...guess that means I really do live in the country now. I'm also writing to you from a dial up connection that is super s..l..o..w.. and I'm not even sure this post will post, as I can't look at my blog because it takes f.o.r.e.v.e.r to load and I get bored. I do find it funny that Facebook works amazingly well on this dial up connection. But my banking site...not so much. It took me 45 mins to check our account yesterday, and it timed out on me twice. I guess bank sites are not made for dial up connections...who knew? We had my dad's side of the family over today. It turned into a celebration of mine and Mr. B's birthday's along with our new house. My wonderful step mom did everything. From bringing all the food to even getting plastic silverware and paper plates. She even brought the cutest cake! I really wish I'd have gotten a picture of it before my step mom cut it...it was so freaking adorable I couldn't believe it. And I don't think it could ever be re-created. Oh well...it lives on in my memory. I'm on CD 10 and finished this round of clomid last night. I was sitting here talking to Mr. B this evening and I started to get really hot. Then I remembered I took the clomid this month and realized the hot flashes were starting already. Usually it takes a few days after my last dose before those kick in...lucky me it started earlier. Must be because it was 200mg. But I have found that the months I do have hot flashes are months that the clomid actually makes me ovulate (based on progesterone levels) so I'm hoping this will be a good sign. That combined with it being the cycle following my HSG procedure I will be holding on to a lot of hope this month. I really hope we don't get let down again. And since I am breaking out into a sweat again I will call it a night. The hot flashes (combined with the extreme heartburn clomid also gives me) make it hard for me to sleep so I should start as early as I can. I do have to work in the morning you know...and I won't complain to much since it's a holiday and I get paid double time and a half..ka-ching!

Don’t want to do that again.

I just got home from my HSG. During the procedure I was in so much pain and cramping so bad I almost threw up and felt a little light headed. But as soon as he took the clamp off my cervix the pain stopped. I've only had some light cramping since then. But that was probably the worst 10 minutes ever!

He said the images looked good and I had spilling on both sides, meaning both tubes are clear. There were some large round areas in my uterus I asked about but he said that it was most likely gas since the bowels sit above your uterus. But the radiologist will dictate it and he will get a full report on all the images. So I just have to wait and see what he says.

He did tell me not to try and get pregnant this cycle, which he said shouldn't be a problem since we didn't take the Clomid. But to start another dose of Clomid next month. I was planning on just trying a natural cycle this month so I'm not sure why he doesn't want us to, and I was just wanting to get out of there and get cleaned up so I didn't think to ask him why we couldn't.

So we are all clear unless we hear otherwise from the radiologist.

What if...

I found this great video on Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed and just had to share it.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Infertility 101: Get the Facts

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) runs this year from April 24th--May 1st. I hope to post information through out the week. I hope you stick around to learn more about infertility.

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility.  Education is key to finding resolution.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!

Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.

Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.

A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.

Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.

Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

Won’t you join us

...and help spread the word:

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24th-May1st

www.resolve.org

The honor of your presence is humbly requested by the infertile Twitter community...

On Monday April 26th, please join us, on Twitter, in trying to get #infertility to be a trending topic by adding #infertility to the end of all of your tweets.

The more you tweet the topic #infertility, the better chance we have of spreading the hope.

Together, we can help bring more awareness to what was once a very taboo subject.

Spread the word = Spread the love

Please repost

There are many events going on throughout the US if you are interested. I wish some of them were closer to us...but there aren’t any in Michigan.

2011 has to be our year.

Our last chance for a 2010 baby ended today. It’s funny how 1 trip to the bathroom can ruin your whole day. Sorry...TMI I know, lol.

I remember a year ago I was telling Mr. B that if we get pregnant this month we will have a 2010 baby. I was so excited (as you may or may not know I’m all about numbers) because it’s an even year and the beginning of a new decade. So in 2011 our child would be 1 and 2012 our child would be 2 and so on. I was born in 1980 so it was easy to tell how old I was based on the year. Also this is the year I turn 30, which is again an even year and the beginning of a new decade. I just thought it was meant to be.

But here I am, starting a new cycle, and not nearly as excited. It’s not that I’m not excited to have a 2011 baby...it’s just that we don’t already have a baby. That it’s been a year since I had my second fertility work up and we’re still childless. I’m starting to lose hope that we will ever have a baby. Maybe it’s just not meant to happen.

I have a Dr’s appointment tomorrow to go over my charts and my 7dpo progesterone for this cycle, which was 30.1. So I did ovulate at least. I’m sure he will tell me I can do another round of the Clomid or go on to the RE. I think I am going to ask him to do an HSG or Laparoscopy again like he recommended before going to the RE though. I just think my insurance will cover it better from my OB then an RE. You know they see the word infertility and decline all the claims.

For now I sit here with my glass of wine and shattered dreams. Infertility sucks.

Sex should be planned.

I usually get my prescriptions at Walgreens because they have a drive through and it allows me to be lazy. But this month with a higher dose of Clomid I knew it was going to cost more, so I decided to use the pharmacy at the hospital I work at. We receive a discount and we can use payroll deduction. I used to use it all the time but since I’m no longer on campus it’s not as convenient. But I had a few scripts to pick up, some over the counter multi-vitamins and my Clomid alone was $25 I thought this was a great option. And they only take $20 a pay period. Actually a really nice plan and I should use it for everything. We have been getting Mr.B’s heartburn medicine there and it’s only $2.15 a month!

But I’m getting off track here...back to the point of this story. I drop off my script and decide to wait while it’s being filled. No point in leaving when it should only take 10-15 mins. After it’s done the nice, older pharmacist Jim hands me my scripts and I fill out my payroll form. We tell each other good bye and he tells me to have a good weekend.

As I’m waiting for the elevator I pull out the form with my Clomid and begin to read it. It’s kind of like a receipt that tells the pharmacist what to give me. It also has the price that the pharmacist crosses off and changes to my discounted price. So I know it was read with in minutes of giving it to me. First it tells me “Do not take if you are pregnant” Well duh…if I was pregnant I wouldn’t need this. Not so bad…right? But then I read “sex should be planned”. I really think I could feel my face turning red. Did Jim just tell me to have a nice weekend because he knew that I was gettin some? And was it necessary to talk about my sex life on this little piece of paper? Did Jim really need to tell me when to have sex? OMG…Jim knows I will be having sex! Yes...I know I was overreacting.

Needless to say I don’t think the $5 I saved was worth it. And I’m not sure if I can face Jim again...at least not next week, lol.

What’s another month?

It’s 7pm and I’m finally getting online to check my emails, read my forums and blog. It’s been a busy day and I’m glad to be home.

It started at 8am with a meeting at work. Those always go well...not. Same ‘ol stuff every month. Seems kind of pointless to have to get up at 7am on my day off, but I suck it up cause I don’t want everyone talking about me when I’m not there, lol.

After my meeting I headed to the bar, yup I said the bar. Tomorrow is my co-workers birthday and a few of us went to breakfast and had a beer. Well I drank diet coke, but in spirit it was a beer, lol. I finally left there around 11:30am or so and headed to my moms.

My mom is moving this weekend so I was helping her sort and pack some things. I also managed to pilfer through her stuff and find some things I wanted, as any good daughter would do. I mean I couldn’t leave without a box or two of new things, could I?

Then at 2:30pm I had my doctors appointment. He looked at this months temp chart and said it was pretty good. Although my temp was very up and down during my luteal phase. Also my 7dpo progesterone was only 13.43, so he doesn’t think I ovulated this cycle. Which I didn’t take the Clomid so I’m not surprised, although I did hope that it had built up in my system over the last 4 months enough to work...guess not.

I asked him about the Famara and he said that he didn’t prescribe that med and Clomid was as far as he went. So I had two choices: I could try a month on 200mg Clomid and see if that ups my progesterone level or he could refer me to the RE.

Since my insurance doesn’t cover infertility outside of medication, which they only cover at 50%, I know that most of what is done at an RE will be out of pocket. So I decided to give the 200mg a shot. If we are unsuccessful this month then I will head on to the RE. I figure I should use all the resources I can at my OB since it’s covered, that way I know I tried everything. As much as I want to be pregnant now, it’s only one more month. I think I can hold out till then.

I think tomorrow I am going to try calling the RE’s office to get a price idea. Since there is only one office in the area, and it’s actually in the next town over, I know they will have seen people with my insurance and should be able to tell me what, if anything, will be covered. I’m hoping that my office visits will at least be covered under specialist, which have a $30 co-pay. Then I can at least afford to have a chat with them, we may not be able to do anything else. But at least we can talk about it, lol.